How not shaving made me feel more confident

Last year I decided to do a little experiment. I came across a study done at “Arizona’s New College of Interdisciplinary Arts and Sciences” held during a gender studies class. The professor instructed the boys to shave of their body hair, while the girls had to keep theirs for ten weeks. In the meantime they recorded their feelings and observations.
This study made me think about our society where shaving is considered as something that must be done by women. It got me thinking about the reasons why I shave and I discovered that I did it only for that reason. Shaving didn’t give me any kind of satisfaction; I would say that it was exactly the opposite. My sensitive skin didn’t get along with my razor at all. Shaving was a constant struggle for me and I decided that maybe it wasn’t worth the effort.

I decided to do the experiment and stopped shaving. Just like the students I recorded my feelings and observations about the process and would love to share them with you. So, here goes!

1: It felt weird at first, unnatural even.
Unnatural to have body hair, that feeling caught me off guard. I have never been one to give into peer pressure, which always made me kind of an outsider. But this was by far harder than I had anticipated. It took some time to get used to the feeling of having actual hair.

2: Many people believed I had lost my mind, others applauded my courage.
Luckily I had some supporters who had my back, I don’t know if I would have been able to do it without them.

3: Some people found what I was doing disgusting. And they insisted on making it known.
My body hair was impossible to hide, it’s thick and black. Needless to say, I got lots of comments on my choice to grow it out, ranging from close family to random strangers who all felt it was their task to police my choices. Apparently being a woman with body hair is still an exceptional thing. But disgusting, I never understood that. No one ever tells a man to shave of his leg hair or considers his armpit hair disgusting. An obvious double standard emerged.

4: There are almost no depictions of women with body hair and it is still considered a taboo subject.
This is possibly one of the reasons why I got bad reactions. Whenever women are depicted; whether it is in advertising, television or broader media, they are always smooth like a baby. No one ever portrays a woman who has body hair. Even commercials that attempt to sell razors show women shaving their already hairless legs.  More realistic illustrations of women’s bodies are needed; I believe body hair should be a part of this. Maybe then, hair on women will become less of a taboo and walking around with hair could be seen as something natural and normal. One can only hope.

5: Dying my armpit hair pink, gave me so much confidence and really inspired me to keep going.
About half a year in, I chose to dye my armpit hair; I was having some trouble to keep at it and decided to try something radical. I chose bright pink because it symbolizes femininity and combining it with armpit hair created a beautiful contrast. I was totally in love with the result! All I wanted to do was show of my armpit hair. It gave me exactly the kind of impulse I was hoping for.

6: After a while I forgot I had body hair, it became a natural thing.
It was just part of me, nothing special. It didn’t make me feel ashamed any longer and I learned to accept it as a part of myself that I no longer felt the need to hide. It was my hair and I was proud of it

7: Growing out my hair made me feel more comfortable with my body; it made me more assertive and sure of myself.
I can now confidently say that I’m a beautiful, feminine woman who rocks her body hair. I’m not urging everyone to give this a try, it’s not for everybody and that’s totally fine. You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. Just know that beauty standards are just that, (unattainable) standards. You have the power to define your own standards and draw your own lines. Don’t let some standard define the decisions you make.

Dare to be authentically yourself, you won’t regret it.   

Quota: a necessary evil?

This academic year I became a student of a relatively new Master called gender and diversity. I have always been very interested in the gender topic and I’m specifically concerned with the place of women in the workplace. Recent events have made me realise that I should also be concerned with the opinions that men and women have about these issues, perhaps even more than with the workplace issues, that women face, themselves.

During a debate in one of our lectures, the topic of quota surfaced. I was so surprised to find that there were people in this Master who opposed the implementation of quota. Surprised because I naively assumed that most people attending this program were going to be feminists (which turned out not to be the case) and thus supporting action to advance women’s position in society of which gender quota in the workplace is a clear example. What struck me even more was that the person who made this statement is a woman herself.
Which made me wonder. What do people fear so much about quota? I think the answer lies in the fact that a lot of people don’t understand what’s the reasoning behind it. The concerns I hear most often are that: men feel discriminated because women are promoted, possibly before them in order to reach quota and women feel like they are being promoted just because they are a woman.

I can imagine that people might jump to conclusions like that but the reality of it all is much more complex. Let me try to clarify…

Quota have been implemented into organisations because there was a gigantic lack of women in senior management and executive positions. In order to change this organizations are now required to attain gender quota so that women can break into the higher regions. So that’s what quota is. Now on to deconstruct the arguments I mentioned.
When men talk about being discriminated against what they forget is that women have been (and still are) structurally oppressed by the patriarchy for, basically, as long as human kind has existed. This means that it is the women who are being discriminated and quota is simply an attempt to relieve some of this discrimination and give women the same chances that men get!
As a far as women’s resistance is concerned. I get it, you don’t want to be there if not for your accomplishments. Well guess what, you are accomplished. You did all of the work, you got hired, worked your way up and now you are just getting a little push. You are there because you deserve to be! Quota creates equality and breaks women out of  stereotypes. Would a lot of women have gotten there without quota, probably not. Do they belong there, of course they do!

Would I rather not have quota for women? Yes, in fact in an ideal world, there wouldn’t be any need for quota, because that would mean that men and women would finally be considered equals. But we are not there yet…

Don’t believe me? Let me convince you with some research. In October Belgian researchers published a study which found that one identical resume got 23% less positive reaction and 50% less chance to be invited for an interview, when the name on top of the resume was female compared to male.
Fair? Equal? Just? I don’t think so.

Quota a necessary evil? Absolutely

A personal experience with homophobia and why it matters

Yesterday I was at a comedy show with my lovely girlfriend. The show “Am I right ladies?” by Luisa Omielan was all about being empowered, sex-positive and self-loving. Basically what I took away from it was this: ‘be proud, never apologize and do whatever the fuck you want, cause you are an awesome human being!’ I loved it, it was very powerful, real and so damn smart! (Go check her out, she is amazing)
There was only one little problem, the middle-aged couple seated next to use that kept staring.  

You guessed it, I’m going to talk about homophobia (again, I hear you thinking) yes again, because it is so damn important!

I consider myself a very tolerant person, my friends are likewise; tolerant because that is the kind of people I’d like to surround myself with. Guess that is part of the reason I’m always a bit in shock when I encounter homophobic behavior. I am glad and lucky to say that I’m not used to this kind of behavior. Overall Belgium is an excellent country to be gay. We have the same rights, anti-discrimination laws and one day I will be able to marry my girlfriend (hurrah!). It is exactly because I’m so used to being around supportive people that what happened yesterday hit me hard.

The incident
So there we were, in the Vooruit, ready for a night of comedy. Patiently waiting for the show to begin, my girlfriend took hold of my hand and that’s when the staring started. Trust me, we are used to people staring, so normally I’m pretty good at shaking it off, but this was different. The woman stared right at Hanne (my girlfriend) for a couple of minutes straight, she then bend forward to see if we were actually holding hands. She let out a loud sigh, looked back at us with a disgusted face, turned to her husband who said: “You know, we can still switch seats”, to which she replied sighingly: “Well it’s too late now.”
Yup, that actually happened, in Ghent (beautiful, tolerant, open-minded Ghent) at an empowering comedy show.
Oh, the irony…

What’s up with that?
Seriously, what is up with that? Okay, obviously this woman has some weird misconceptions about gay people. Let me just clear them up for her. First of, we are not contagious, sitting next to us will not turn you gay, I promise. Secondly, just because you happen to be a woman, does not mean we are the least bit attracted to you (hello, can’t you see that we are happily in love with each other!?).  But seriously though, getting a reaction like that really hurt my feelings. I can’t think any reason why you wouldn’t want to sit next to us. Why me being gay, which has in no way anything to do with you, makes you feel disgusted and uncomfortable.

The roller coaster 
I went from shocked and disbelief, to feeling sad, angry and ultimately frustrated. I can understand that when you read this, it might not seem like a big deal, but it is for me and for Hanne. And for all the other LGBT people out there, the ones that encounter this kind of comments on a daily basis, the ones that get kicked out of their homes for loving someone of the same gender, the ones that aren’t allowed to get married or can even get sentenced to death just for being in love.
When did love become a crime?

So, yes this is important! Because I’m in no way apologizing or feeling ashamed for being crazy in love with the most wonderful woman on the planet!

Lots of love, ❤
Laure

Being judged for being in love

I spent the last few days with my girlfriend in Antwerp, walking around, seeing the sights and enjoying the sun together. Like the “in love couple” we are we walked around holding hands, passing the occasional loving stare to each other. What neither of us expected was the upheaval we created anywhere we went.

We were stared at constantly! The kind of stares that made us feel uncomfortable even ashamed at times, like we were doing something atrocious. I must say, that was one of the worst feelings I have ever encountered. Being judged for being in love!

We are not a “normal couple” (if you take the general population as the norm), but why should that matter? Our love is just as pure as that between a man & a woman. And still we are treated differently, like we don’t deserve the same respect, the same rights, the same freedom to express our love.
Homophobia is real and very alive, even in our “evolved” country. Yes in Belgium, lesbian & gay couples have the same legal rights as straight couples ((rights for which LGBT movements had to fight enormously for), we can marry and even adopt children
But ask yourself: what does this progress mean when I can’t even walk around holding my girlfriends hand without being judged, talked about, laughed at,…?

When we’re walking together, I’m thinking about whether or not it will be safe for us to hold hands, or if it would be better let go of each other’s hand in order to avoid harassment or worse…
Imagine just how hard it is, the constant worry about whether or not I can hold her hand, because I never know if I will be endangered if I decide to do so…

So I ask all the ones staring, laughing, judging to please just let us be!
Let us celebrate the love we have for each other in the same way you do; comfortable and worry-free.

It’s 2015, some people are gay, get over it. Spread love, not hate! 🙂
The LGBT community thanks you,

Love is scary…

“I love you”, she whispered in my ear. It wasn’t the first time she told me so I can’t say that I was surprised. But I’m still not comfortable hearing those sweet words.

I’m not sure why these words have such a power over me. I think that a major factor contributing to this feeling is the mere fact that this is my first real relationship. The feelings I’m experiencing are things I have never felt before and at times they can be pretty damn overwhelming… All of sudden there comes this person, out of nowhere, into your life. You can’t really remember how you ever lived without them or what your life looked like before you met them. Just like that everything changed. It’s a change I’ll gladly give into but let’s be honest: change is scary! Human beings are not a big fan of changes, of course the world around us is constantly changing and so are we. But these changes are so minor & gradual, that their occurrence is rarely noticed, it just happens organically.

But there was nothing gradual about meeting her… She came into my life, swept me off my feet and made me fall madly in love with her. Just like that, in a heartbeat.

People might think that this relationship is going to fast. I never got the whole ‘let’s put a timing on dating’ issue. If it feels right, why not just do it? Why cave in to some outdated social convention that you should wait at least this long before spending the night together or telling someone you love them. You are the only one who knows when the right time is. I was already head over heals with her after our first conversation. And luckily for me, so was she. The one thing I’m 100% sure of is that I love her. There is not a single shred of doubt in my mind about that.

So why then is hearing “I love you” so hard for me?
I’m not afraid of loving her but I am afraid of her loving me. Afraid that one day she might decide; that I’m not everything she hoped for; that I don’t make her happy enough; that this relationship is not working anymore…
Unfortunately I can’t predict the future, so the path that lies ahead of us is currently unknown.
This realization terrifies me.

Letting her love me is a giant risk, it means opening myself up in ways that I have never done before. Giving my all, not knowing how this is going to turn out. That’s so hard, to trust someone with your soul, with your love. Hoping that they’ll treat it in the absolute best way.

I’m trusting that she loves me enough to hold my terrified hand while walking besides me on this journey. This is going to be a grand adventure, I wouldn’t want to take it with anyone else!

You light me up

I started this blog as a way of dealing with my complex mind. It has been more than once that I got comments on the ‘pessimistic nature’ of my posts. I am not an optimistic human being, never have been, never will be. Writing about my struggles and the feelings that accompany them, has helped me out in ways that I can’t describe. It has liberated me and left me free to focus on other things.
Struggles, dark feelings & heavy thoughts, these are stuff that I’m ‘good at’. I have dealt, as have most people, with a lot of them in the past. And I have learned how to embrace this side of me, writing being one possible outlet for the darkness inside me.

Recently something happened, or better yet; someone. She’s the person that takes away my darkness.
She talks and I become lighter, she smiles and I become brighter. When I’m around her nothing is complex, everything looks seemingly easy. It’s terrifying, cause I’m getting used to her brightness and I’m not sure if I could go on without it. Life’s a risk and sharing yourself with another person is a greater one.

But the way she looks into my eyes and smiles, tells me that this is definitely a risk worth taking…
It’s true what they say, people in love do shine the brightest!

Today is the day that I free my ‘hidden introvert’

Hi, I’m Laure and I’m an introvert! 
I can imagine your surprise, over the years I have gotten really good at hiding this part of me. I have perfected the art of making small talk, asking questions, engaging in conversations and laughing at other people’s jokes. So much so that sometimes I even get mistaken for an extrovert. Which is why I’d like to refer to myself as a ‘hidden introvert’.

Writing this feels like a confession that I’m slightly ashamed of making. Identifying as an introvert feels like a heavy burden that I have to carry around each day. It feels like it’s not something you are supposed to be sharing but you keep to yourself. Cause let’s face it, we still live in a world that caters to the needs and wants of the extroverted population.
Which can make it hard for introverts like me to get out there and feel comfortable in our skin.
The constant struggle between keeping this part of me hidden and trying to be authentic has taken it’s toll and I refuse to do it any longer. So, I guess this is kind of my coming-out story…

I’d like to clarify what it means to be introverted.
While extroverted people get energized from spending time with people, the introvert’s social energy gets drained.
Which is not to say that introverts don’t like spending time with people, it’s just that they will need alone time to recover from their social encounters, in order to recharge their batteries.
Every introvert has a different battery charging time, in my case it can take a long time…

Last week, my friends asked me if I wanted to go have a drink with them. Impulsively so I said yes. It wasn’t until later that day that I realized I really didn’t feel up to it. Not because of them, I like spending time with each and everyone of them but the thought of us all together in a noisy room was something I wasn’t going to manage.
And I felt so bad, having said yes and now wanting to cancel. I debated multiple times to just suck it up and go anyway cause that’s what society tells us to do right? In the end, I decided to do the right thing for me and cancel. When one of my friends asked me why I cancelled (since I had no other plans). I responded: ‘I have plans with me tonight!’ (which include reading books, watching Netflix or listening to music)
At the same time I felt wonderful, having finally said it out loud, that I need this alone time and scared, that no-one will understand me. That people will think I’m anti-social, uninterested or plain arrogant. 

I realize that being an introvert is still regarded as less desirable compared to being an extrovert. Which is a shame, cause we have a lot of beauty inside of us and many interesting things to share. I promise that If you just give us the time and space we will gladly show you what’s going on in our minds (although that may take some time).
And if I don’t show up for a certain social event or party, don’t take it personally. I probably was in need of some me-time which I really can’t skip out on. You can be sure that when I show up, it’s because I really want to be there with you! 🙂

How you made me believe in love (even though we never worked out)

I just got my heart broken for the very first time and I was devastated. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, put it on the floor and jumped on it with stilettos. So there I was left with a heart full of holes, unsure of how I would ever fill them up again

And then you came along… 

You came up to me, complimenting my bright red shoes, and we got to talking.
We hit it off, the conversation flowed and for the first time in a long time I was having fun. It felt great.
I told you about the semester I just spent abroad in Poland. You responded to this asking me what my favorite brand of vodka is (it’s Zubrowka, if you haven’t tried it yet, please do. You won’t regret it) turned out we agreed. From that point on, I knew that you were something special.

We started hanging out after that. Our conversations could go on for hours, we liked the same music, had similar interests, we just genuinely clicked. An experience that doesn’t come along very often.
I enjoyed it fully. It felt like every time I was with you a hole in my heart got filled.
Being around you made me feel alive and for that I’m eternally grateful!

Falling in love is hard for me. I like to be in control of my thoughts, actions, feelings at all times. Having it taken over by this power greater than me is not something I enjoy. I don’t like falling in love so I try my best to shut it out.
To convince myself that I’m just imagining it, that it’s not really happening.
But it was happening and when I finally allowed myself to embrace the feeling, it was too late.
I honestly never thought that I could fall in love with someone like you, but I did.
And the experience made me whole again. It showed me that I can open myself up again (even though it will take time) and it reassures me that I will fall in love again.

So when times are hard, I think of you. The fact that I fell for you, a thought that seemed so impossible to me then, gives me hope that I will be okay again. That there will always be love! 
A lesson I will never forget, thank you.

Signed
a strongly opinionated and free-fought woman

How to make life fucking complicated (and become miserable in the process) : a quick guide

There are many ways how you can complicate the life you are living, I am here to enlighten you since I myself have tremendous experience with all of these. These tactics are free and easy to use, at your own risk that is.
Leave your boring, simple & probably happy life behind and come explore the complicated life with me.
I promise, it’s always an adventure!

Number 1: Yes, those people are talking about you
Do you recognize this feeling when you are walking on the street and you pass by a group of girls and they all start laughing. Yes, they are laughing at you. Trust me, they are. Because everything that happens to you is personal and everybody is looking at you. You cannot take a single step without someone noticing and they are always watching. Waiting for you to make a mistake, to fail. Don’t try to ignore them, they are stronger than you and there are so many, you can’t win.

Number 2: When did you get this fat, you look horrible (read in a diabolical voice)
Oh hey, look it’s the demon. He decided it was time for him to come out and play and you are going to listen to him. Because that’s what you do, that’s how nice of a person you are. You give the demon the attention he (or she) so eagerly is waiting for. A ‘you are looking fat’ may seem innocent at first but the demon doesn’t stop there. No he/she has just begun.
Before you know it you’re are a girl with a big nose, a disproportional body, giant calves, a face full of acne and as a cherry on top, you’re still fat. Great, good luck chasing that demon away!

Number 3: Rumination (a.k.a. over-thinking)
Ah, over-thinking, out of the 3, this one’s my favorite. Because you see without rumination the other 2 tactics would lose it effect. You need to be thinking about the people talking about you and the demon in your head, otherwise it just won’t work. Rumination is simple, you think about everything that happens to you at least 5 times. Whenever you have to make a decision you come up with 20 different scenario’s of what may happen in each case. You practice difficult conversations over and over in your head, knowing that they are never going to go that way. You lay awake late at night, days on end because your brain refuses to stop thinking. It was Descartes who said ‘cogito ergo sum’ I think therefore I am.
I must say you were right Descartes, you only failed to mention how thinking will just as it creates our existence ruin it at the same time. A head’s up next time would be nice!

Combine those 3 and I promise your life will all of a sudden become a lot more complicated. That’s guaranteed!
There is a whole lot more things you can try when you feel that you could handle a bit more complication.
But let’s stick to the basics first shall we.

I forgive you…

for not knowing what you want
for pushing me away and pulling me back in
for making me feel things that aren’t there
for analyzing every little thing about our relationship
for not knowing how you feel
for making me talk endlessly about my feelings
for making me believe that maybe this time it could work

for returning my heart back to me in little pieces
I’ll forgive but I can’t forget